he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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