New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
