Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
