her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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