there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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