Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
