dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
