If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
