my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize