its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
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