If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
