I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
