So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
