I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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