He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
