he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
whose ass print is on the piano?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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