I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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