You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
