I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
