he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
