My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
