were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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