dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize