so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
