i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
