i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
