last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
