textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
