I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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