ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
