If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
