it hurts more in the daytime
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
organizing the empties. That sober.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
