I wanna passion pit in your ass
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
