If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
