i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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