ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
