oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She told me I should be a condom model.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
