This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
