you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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