and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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