I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
