I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
