I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize
