Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
