where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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