Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
did i walk over a car last night?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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