I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
