he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
