The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
