hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I didn't notice because vodka
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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