I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
