There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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