he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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