i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
