He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize